I’m utterly and uselessly afraid.
Of being alone.
Even though I joke about it I don’t find it funny.
Ridiculous, I know. But that’s not it. I fear being alone, misused, misjudged, misguided, misunderstood and miserable.
Don’t get me wrong. I cherish my alone time. Time to lounge and curl up with a good book, or just sit and clear my head.
It’s more the fear of truly being alone, forgotten and deserted. Where the heck did this come from? It strikes me though that all these fears that come from within are affected by the people around me. Which is just crazy. I’m constantly and consistently surrounded by the most amazing and inspiring people. So where the heck did this come from?
It’s not you it’s me.
Confidence. That’s what I need to have. I feel it slowly trickling back to me. Day by day it’s getting stronger and these crazy thoughts are getting pushed back in my mind further and further. But I can’t help the nagging feeling that they’re still there.
Anyone want to help me pay for psychiatric help?
I miss it. I miss that little girl I once knew. She was confident and slightly cocky. She didn’t care what other people thought. She was just she. She was me.
Irrational. The only word I can think of to describe my current state of mind. Why can’t I just let things BE? Be happy. Know that things will change. Remember that life is amazing, beautiful. A gift. Live it to its fulfillment. LET GO. The best is yet to come.
Now.
I had all these thoughts built up in my head. Then I decided to brush my teeth and they all fell out. Come back. Please?
I’ve been straying lately. Making excuses. Saying I don’t have the time. Why not? Really? I just read an entire novel. More ridiculousness. Make time. Make room. There’s always time. He’s always there to listen.
Pray.
“Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love us in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”
Those are some big shoes to fill. Love like that and learn to let go.
Live. Laugh. Love.
Erika
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
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3 comments:
Erika this is an incredible blog. I wish I could express everything in a comment to you, but that would be impossible. I love you dearly girl. You're an amazing woman. Walk like it, talk like it, live like it. Know that your beauty is enthralling. Don't let earthly things and people take that from you. It's forever yours and always has been. You just have to believe it. I love you!
K
you are so amazing and have so many incredible things going for you.
I love that quote at the end.
I just want to give you a hug...if only there was a way to do that from moscow.
you're always in my prayers.
love you
People like to tell us that our teenage years are hard and you feel funny about who you are and you try to come into an identity. But they are wrong, because that is just child's play for what comes in our early 20s.
So please know I feel like this all the freaking time. It's like a second puberty, only it's less about your body and more about your brain. But we made it through the onset of our menstrual cycle and the awkward acne and the feeling that "nooobody understands me." And we'll make it through this, too: what I like to call "the era of the hamster brain." Let that hamster spin in its wheel, because eventually it will die and we can all get better pets.
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