Fear, Manifested?

I’m utterly and uselessly afraid.

Of being alone.

Even though I joke about it I don’t find it funny.

Ridiculous, I know. But that’s not it. I fear being alone, misused, misjudged, misguided, misunderstood and miserable.

Don’t get me wrong. I cherish my alone time. Time to lounge and curl up with a good book, or just sit and clear my head.

It’s more the fear of truly being alone, forgotten and deserted. Where the heck did this come from? It strikes me though that all these fears that come from within are affected by the people around me. Which is just crazy. I’m constantly and consistently surrounded by the most amazing and inspiring people. So where the heck did this come from?

It’s not you it’s me.

Confidence. That’s what I need to have. I feel it slowly trickling back to me. Day by day it’s getting stronger and these crazy thoughts are getting pushed back in my mind further and further. But I can’t help the nagging feeling that they’re still there.

Anyone want to help me pay for psychiatric help?

I miss it. I miss that little girl I once knew. She was confident and slightly cocky. She didn’t care what other people thought. She was just she. She was me.

Irrational. The only word I can think of to describe my current state of mind. Why can’t I just let things BE? Be happy. Know that things will change. Remember that life is amazing, beautiful. A gift. Live it to its fulfillment. LET GO. The best is yet to come.

Now.

I had all these thoughts built up in my head. Then I decided to brush my teeth and they all fell out. Come back. Please?

I’ve been straying lately. Making excuses. Saying I don’t have the time. Why not? Really? I just read an entire novel. More ridiculousness. Make time. Make room. There’s always time. He’s always there to listen.

Pray.

“Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love us in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”
Those are some big shoes to fill. Love like that and learn to let go.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Erika

Exhaustion

Really. What am I doing posting when I should be sleeping? Or reading for Ed. Or homework for Chem. Or posting for one of my three online classes [I already have GREAT stories about crazies].

This semester is already getting hard and the worst is yet to come. I just have to keep telling myself that if I get through these 21 credits I can have more time off next semester.

Is student teaching here yet?

Besides the stress of school I am completely and utterly happy and content. I have the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for. I have a job [that is boring but easy] and I have the privilege of babysitting an adorable 20 month old little boy named Kyle. I don't think life could get any better right now.

I feel like Charlotte in the Sex and the City movie. Waiting for something bad to happen. Except for the fact that I haven't crapped my pants in Mexico this year.

If you haven't seen that movie you probably think I'm crazy.

Or you probably do anyways.

Live. Laugh. Love.
Erika